A conversation with Harold S. Koplewicz, MD
During this time of enormous worry and fear — and all the contradictory advice that comes with it — Dr. Harold S. Koplewicz, MD, the founding president of the Child Mind Institute and one of America’s most highly regarded psychiatrists, is a trusted guide for parents. On Thursday, Feb 4, 92Y Parenting Center Director Sally Tannen and Nursery School Director Malka Lowenstein talk with him about mental wellness for parents and children at this time.
“I think we are all feeling stretched to the limit with the unrelenting pandemic,” said Sally Tannen.
We asked Dr. Koplewicz about some of the topics he’ll cover – from how to approach screen time, to early warning signs for anxiety and depression, to how parents need to secure self-care.
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Have children become more anxious during the pandemic?
Yes, our researchers and clinicians have been seeing increased anxiety for a lot of kids. This kind of stress — lockdowns, distance learning, activities cancelled, worrying about your parents' finances or your grandparents' health — is hard even for the healthiest kids. And it’s important to remember that even on a good day in America, before COVID, we had an estimated 17.1 million kids with a mental health or learning disorder. That’s one in five kids, and our research shows that these kids have an even harder time dealing with all the very real stresses of the pandemic.
If a child is at risk for depression and anxiety, what red flags should parents look out for?
It’s so important that parents keep an eye on their kids for signs of anxiety and depression right now, especially if they have struggled in the past. It’s normal for everyone to be a little extra moody right now, but depression is more than just feeling down or having bad days. Signs can include losing interest in things they used to love, having trouble sleeping, regressing (meaning acting younger than they did before – baby talk, sleeping in a parent’s bed, clingy behavior), low energy, gaining or losing a lot of weight, and feeling hopeless or even worthless. Look out for persistence and severity: is your child experiencing these symptoms for weeks at a time? And are they bad enough to get in the way of the child’s daily life? If the answers are yes, it’s time to get help from a professional.
And if your child mentions suicide (or talks about things like “not wanting to be here anymore”), get help right away. You can always call 911 or call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
How should parents help children and teens to limit screen time? Should the rules be adjusted because of the pandemic?
Screens are unavoidable right now — they’re how many kids go to school, socialize, and keep in touch with family. So, instead of thinking in terms of limiting screens, I encourage parents to think about overall wellness. Is your child sleeping enough and eating some healthy foods? Do they get outside and get exercise on a regular basis? Are they keeping up with school and staying connected with friends and family? If the answers to all those questions are yes, then screen time isn’t likely to be a problem for your child right now. And the truth is that sometimes extra screen time for the kids is the only way for you as a parent to do what you need to do. Go easy on yourself when you do need to bend the rules.
What can parents do on a daily basis to try to help their child develop resilience?
My new book, The Scaffold Effect, is all about how parents can foster resilience in their kids, and a crucial part of that is helping them learn to take risks and confront failure. As parents, it’s tempting for us to swoop in and remove obstacles from our kids’ paths, but doing that actually prevents kids from growing. What we can do instead is coach kids to solve their own problems as they get older. Notice when you find yourself telling your child what they “should” do. For instance, if your child gets a bad grade on a test, you might say: “You should talk to the teacher about extra credit. You should study harder next time.” That’s essentially doing the work for the child, which doesn’t help them learn. Instead, collaborate with them and encourage them to come up with solutions: “What was your study strategy? What worked, and what didn’t? What else could you try?” The idea is to help kids identify the tools at their disposal and pick which ones to use for each task. They might choose wrong — they might fail — but that’s okay. You’ll be there to let them know that failure isn’t fatal, and to support them in learning from the mistake.
What long-term effects (if any) do you think the pandemic will have on our children’s mental health?
A lot of children are struggling right now, and it’s hard to say for sure how this will all impact them in the long term. One thing we do know is that there are certain aspects of the pandemic that are more likely to be truly traumatic. If a child has gone through the death or hospitalization of a loved one due to COVID, or if they’ve been quarantined in a violent or abusive situation, they’re at a higher risk of trauma. But even kids who aren’t traumatized are still experiencing a chronic, collective loss. Empathizing with your child and giving them space to express their emotions makes a big difference. Don’t rush to try and fix things for them. Accept that you can’t get rid of this stressful situation and support your child in developing healthy ways of coping with it.
What about parents themselves? The pandemic has put parents under enormous amounts of stress and pressure. What advice to you have to help parents with their own mental and emotional health during this time?
When you’re a parent, it can be so easy to forget to take time for yourself, but the truth is that you really can’t care for others if you don’t care for yourself. The foundational parenting strategy in The Scaffold Effect isn’t even about the child’s growth — it’s “Secure Yourself First.” In other words, self-care is childcare. It doesn’t have to be fancy or time-consuming. Maybe it’s taking a walk around the block, accepting a neighbor’s offer to drop off dinner one night, or letting the kids watch TV while you read a book. It can even just mean reminding yourself that you don’t have to be a perfect parent. Self-care is also a great thing to model for kids. When we do it ourselves, we show them how to set healthy boundaries and encourage them to find their own ways to relax and recharge.